What are you not receiving?
I’ve been on my journey of relationship with Jesus for a little over four years. In that time, He has completely changed me on the inside, which has resulted in incredible outward change, but there were still a few areas that I felt “stuck”. Areas where I had forgiven, released others, taken ownership for my own choices, but still did not have total freedom. That is where I was in early June of 2023 when I had an encounter with the love of the Father that set me free at a whole new level.
Durning the spring I had started reading a book that was recommended to me, Experiencing Father’s Embrace by Jack Frost. Prior to reading the first page I listened to what I could find on YouTube by the same name. Immediately I knew why this book was recommended, it was speaking to some of those areas that I felt stuck in, that must have been glaringly obvious to others. With the combination of listening to anything I could find and also reading through the book, numerous areas inside of me felt like they were being filleted open; areas of trust, intimacy, belonging, significance, and love, to highlight a few. The lesson that follows is about love and intimacy.
The revelation that I had lived my entire life with an orphan mindset (something I had not even heard of previously), which led to my attitude of “I’ll take care of myself, I can’t truly rely on anyone” and feeling like I did not belong anywhere combined with the inner walls I kept in place to keep people at a safe distance from my heart. Over the previous four years many walls had been broken down, but there were still a few carefully maintained fortifications.
What I was learning as things were being revealed and I was able to repent of those lies and invite God into those areas was so significant to me that not only was I recommending the book to anyone who would listen, I also decided to use it as the material for the women’s hiking group I was leading. This resulted in acquiring the leader’s guide to complement the material.
This is what I found myself reading the Friday evening in early June that left me weeping. Multiple times in the lesson it talked about receiving the unconditional love of the Father. This phrase had a powerful impact on me due to a question that was asked of me a month earlier, God speaking, “Daughter, why are not receiving everything I’m trying to give you?” I had mulled this over, but never really come to an answer, so when those words were repeatedly on the page “receive the unconditional love of the Father”, they jumped out at me and I know that’s what I was not receiving. It talked about how the unconditional love of the Father has nothing to do with the merit of the one receiving it, it is based solely on the one giving it. I had the sudden revelation that this unconditional love has no strings attached, no hidden agenda, no ulterior motives, no selfish ambitions. I had been carrying an incorrect definition of love based on my human experiences. There is nothing I can, or need to do, to earn His love, there is nothing I can do to make Him love me less. This led to me repenting of the lies I had believed (maybe not consciously, but my actions spoke of them) that I somehow had to work hard enough to earn my place with the Father, that He would only love me if I performed to a certain level.
God is love, (1 John 4:8) He doesn’t have love, He is love; and He created me in His image, to receive His love and give it away (1 John 4:7-11). Only when I am comfortable and at home in His love will I be comfortable sharing and receiving His love with others. God doesn’t want visitation with me, He wants to make His home inside of me (John 14:23). Just like when we have a visitor in our home, no matter how good of a friend they are, we are not as comfortable with them there. God desires complete comfort status with us of residing with us, in us. And it is only when I am completely comfortable and at home in His love that I will be able to fully receive it and give it away.
Right after this the leader guide went into how God created us for intimacy. Only when I am completely comfortable in His love will I be able to be comfortable with intimacy. Once again, we are created in His image, and He is intimacy; Father, Son, Holy Spirit. We are created in His image to be intimate with Him and then intimate with a spouse and then with others. It is a lie to think we don’t want intimacy, it is a lie to think we don’t need intimacy. These were two lies I very much held strongly! The realization that intimacy is a gift from God and the desire for it is not a weakness broke me in a good way, a breaking that leads to healing.
I repented of these lies that I had previously held dear, like protective armor to guard me, and invited my Father and His plan into those areas. This was a big one for me. After going through divorce four years ago and God taking me through so many stages of healing and growth, I had been stalled out in singleness, any mention of future husband resulted in a visceral reaction of repulsion to the idea. For me to repent of these lies and invite God into them, meant to open my heart to the possibility of a husband, and that this intimate relationship is actually a gift from God and a walking out of part of His image that He put in me.
God then brought to mind something that had been spoken over me repeatedly in a past relationship that I had never addressed, I at the time actually agreed with it, “You’re just like your dad, you have ice in your veins”. This was the time to sever that as I with great joy exclaimed, “I’m just like my Dad, His love runs through my veins!” Receiving His love and allowing it to run through my veins has set my heart free, has filled me with more joy and expectancy for life than I can describe with words. This change of heart is I believe what allowed me to be open to this adventure I am on that is taking me to a whole new life.
The adventure is now being jobless, homeless, vehicleless, living out of one suitcase and backpack in a foreign country dog-sitting for friends and afterwards to hike the Camino Frances and no idea what will unfold! But I know who is leading me and that I can trust Him completely and that He will continue His good work in me.
