Slay That Thing!

Fear grows the longer we avoid something. This is my story of journeying to London.

Do you remember high school speech class, how if you did not volunteer to be one of the first students to go, but waited till one of the last, how you would get more and more anxious, nervous, sweaty, and shaky the longer you sat there? The extra time was not a blessing, it simply allowed the fear of going forward to grow bigger and bigger. 

How does this relate to going to London? The only mode of transportation currently available to me is either the bus or the train, and when in London the Tube, none of which I have experience using. I have spent my entire life in Alaska and there is very limited public transportation, and thankfully I always had my own vehicle and never had to rely on this. I allowed this lack of experience, not knowing exactly how the tickets work, how to navigate a station, and every other little factor to grow into an immobilizing fear. Because I do not like to be – or look like – a novice at anything, I like to be in control and confident, my uncertainty about the nuances of train travel made me more and more anxious the longer I avoided using this mode of transportation. This immobilizing fear had spread over my entire life, it felt like a blanket of fear smothering me, I couldn’t think straight or make the simplest of decisions. 

I compounded my fear with the self-imposed pressure of needing to make this day in London the “perfect” day, a planned out itinerary to make full use of the time to see every worthwhile tourist location that I imagined my friends back in Alaska would expect me to take the opportunity of seeing. Why did I care if other people thought I was making good use of my day in London? Like I said, the fear blanketed every aspect of my life. Finally, one evening I decided enough is enough, I need to slay this thing! So I immediately purchased a ticket (thankfully I already had a phone app for this, so I could figure that out!) departing the next morning to force myself to confront this monster in my mind. I also had the realization, wait a second – a life of adventure is something I said I wanted, that means it’s a life of continually doing things I’ve never done before and being in places I am not familiar with – I need to break this thing off and be ok with looking and feeling like a newbie at something! It’s silly, I had traveled half-way around the world on planes, navigating airports I had never been in before, going through customs for my first time, and never thought twice about any of it just to get to the UK to dog-sit! But fear is not rational.

I also released myself from what I imagined other people back home following my journey might think are the “must-do’s”, this was my adventure, not theirs. This allowed me to not spend the entire night researching to create a detailed itinerary instead of sleeping, I simply decided I wanted to go to the Queen’s Garden which was super close walking distance to the train station, and if that’s all I did, it would still be a day of victory. 

I arrived absurdly early for the train, I found out that all I needed was about 5 minutes, not the one hour I gave myself. Fist new lesson learned! I also discovered that, just like airports, there is ample signage to direct you and also employees to ask any questions of. It surprised me I did not have to show my ticket anywhere to get on, once on the train I found it to be almost empty, I sat down and a rush of excitement flooded me, I was on the train! One fear conquered! About halfway through the ride a gentleman did come down the aisle to scan my ticket, that answered my question as to whether or not they check.

Upon arrival in London, I didn’t have to know how the station was laid out, I simply followed the crowd to exit the building. It took a little bit of walking (went the wrong direction around the block, so got in extra steps) but I found the entrance to Regents Park and enjoyed the precisely manicured grounds while walking around with my iced coffee from the little cafe just inside the entry. I made my way to the Queen’s Garden, a smaller portion of the park, and savored the hot sunshine and my newfound confidence as I walked the paths among beautiful flowers and vegetation.

After leisurely touring the garden I knew I wanted more from this day, I wanted to be able to get down by the Thames and go into St. Paul’s Cathedral. This was a long walk from the garden. I went to another cafe in the park for iced coffee number two, it was very hot out for an Alaskan! Inside while waiting I asked the lady waiting next to me about using the bus to get to St. Paul’s, she informed me she didn’t know as she was from Oregon, but her husband who was with her know how to get there. They invited me to their table, explained the tube (like a subway) was the way to go, pulled out a little pocket sized tube map, explained how to read it, directed me which station I should go to – and how to recognize a station! – and where to get off. They gave me the map to keep, asked a few questions about Alaska since when they were choosing where to go on vacation they were deciding between either London or Alaska, and obviously London was their choice. After thanking them I joyfully set off to the tube station with my precious map and was thankful for their description on what symbol to look for on the street to signify a station.

Found it! I learned, simply observe what all the other people are doing who are savvy with this mode of travel, and follow their example! I quickly saw that underground stations, just like airports, are well marked and easy to navigate. Found the platform for the line and direction I desired and got on! Victory number 2! This took me to a station right across the street from the Thames.

I spent a few hours walking around, with a mass of humanity doing the same thing as I was. I was enraptured by the ornate craftsmanship of the numerous landmarks I saw and then realizing the time, booked it to St. Paul’s cathedral. So thankful for maps on my phone with landmarks noted on them!

It was a relatively quick moving line to get inside the cathedral, and once admitted in, it was breathtaking, artistry everywhere I turned. A choir was singing which added an unexpected and delightful ambiance. I walked all around, trying to soak in the details, just like the outdoors photos can never capture what your eyes are seeing. I really wanted to cap off this experience by going up to the viewing galleries, I had read online that this was a highlight of touring St. Paul’s. It took a second pass around the main floor to find the access point, with a sign reading 526 steps to the top, and I excitedly joined the endless stream of people heading up the circular staircase.

The steps became narrower and narrower the higher we climbed, the air was stifling hot and filled with sweaty people, I was so thankful to come out onto the first viewing gallery (see photo below for pink arrow) and feel the breeze and breathe fresh air. This gallery was wide and had a thick, tall sturdy railing. From here another set of circular stairs led to the upper gallery (see photo below for green arrow), these steps with solid walls on each side constricting to barely wider than shoulder width the closer to the top we got. Stepping out onto this gallery made my stomach do a flip-flop, we were high, very high, on a narrow ledge with what seemed like a spindly skimpy railing. I hugged as close to the wall as possible but still took a few photos, and was happy when my loop around the gallery was completed and I was back inside the stifling narrow stairwell!

My phone was almost dead. Lesson learned – always carry a charged power bank on adventure days! Using the map to navigate and endlessly taking photos had used battery much faster than my normal phone habits. My return train ticket home was on my phone, it had to have enough juice to get scanned, so I switched to airplane mode and navigated without the assistance of the map. Due to the amount of time I had spent enjoying my day, I now was in a rush to get back to the puppy dog I was dog-sitting for. I knew I needed to find a tube station to get back to the train. There were probably closer ones, but I knew how to get to the one I arrived on without using my phone map so that’s where I headed, it was a long walk back! It was rush hour, but I now knew exactly how it works. My only nerves where from hoping that my phone would stay alive long enough to have my return train ticket scanned.

I arrived at the train station with a mass of people heading home after work, the train is a significant means of travel here. Entering this station was different than the small town one I had departed from in the morning, but just like the underground stations I observed what other people were doing and followed their lead. I love how we can easily learn things simply by watching others who have experience in that area. Found a train going through my town and added myself to the standing room only stifling sardine can, but for me it was the smell of victory!

Mission accomplished! I had ridden the train to London, ridden the Tube, saw the sights I desired, and was now on the way home! And at rush hour no less! I felt like I could conquer anything! This broke off not only the new transportation fear, but the fear that had immobilized me in every area, that entire blanket of fear was gone. I was bolder, stronger, more confident all because of the intentional choice to make myself face this thing.

The Bible says in 1 Timothy, when referring to those who are living lives in relationship with Jesus, that “we have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” Fear is a spirit, and it is not from God. The Bible also says in 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” 

Any area we are consumed by fear is an area we are letting Satan have full authority over, he desires to shut us down, to paralyze and immobilize us, so that we will be completely ineffective fulfilling God’s purpose for us. Jesus’ teaching in John 10:10 sheds light on Satans ‘the thief’ motives, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” I had let the enemy have run of my life for a week or two because I let fear take hold of me, and this fear was paralyzing and life-sucking, it was the opposite of an abundant life.

Once I forced myself to face it, I realized how silly and absurd the fears were. It made me think back to my first week here in the UK, when I was thrilled to be exploring new territory and a new way of life, before this fear had grown in me. I was talking to an older gentleman, probably in his 70’s, outside of a coffee shop, he exclaimed in surprise upon finding out I was from Alaska. I asked if he had ever been there and his answer astounded me, “No! There’s bears, and snakes, and crocodiles there!” I kindly informed him that he was correct on the bears but mistaken about the snakes and crocodiles. I was laughing inside of myself at the absurdity of his reply while walking back home, and every time I thought about it later, but then I started thinking, two-thirds of what he was afraid of wasn’t even a possibility, and the one-third that was, was a very minuscule one at most. Having lived there I know that it’s rare to even see a bear and with a little common sense they won’t ever be an issue.

How often in my life is what I fear not even grounded in reality, but because I have let it grow in my mind it becomes something that holds me back and limits life? I need to claim for myself and live in what Jesus has done for me – living a life of power because he has cast out fear.

Oh, and the next week when I wanted to go to a different town, I was purchasing my ticket on my phone while walking to the station ten minutes before the departure time. Lesson applied!

All above scripture references from NKJV